A Different Kind of Gold
by Insomnia's Child
Summary: A simple question started it all. An inside look at the Sanzo-ikkou's relationship, seen through the eyes of Goku. Non-Yaoi


_**A Different Kind of Gold**_

_**By: Insomnia's Child**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki, or any of its wonderful characters. Although dreaming of owning them, is of course, another matter….**_

There was a time during our journey to the West when I spoke with a couple of kids who had, unfortunately, seen me fight off another hoard of demons and had

immediately asked for some tutorial, thinking they had never seen anything so cool. They were lucky that I had just been fed by Sanzo, and had nothing to do that particular day, so I accepted. Maybe it was really because they were looking at me with those puppy dog eyes expression that I often used on Sanzo (so now I can very well say I must know how Sanzo feels every time I use this particular trick on him to gain food), and were telling me how cool Nyoi-bou was, and I couldn't very well say no. Anyway, at the end of their so-called training session, they asked me a question. A simple, innocent question that triggered something in my mind.

"Ne, mister, where's your home?"

I stopped in my tracks and looked at them with something that I couldn't quite put a finger on. I didn't know what to tell them. Right then and there, I was about to cheerfully say Chang'An, but there's this strong force preventing me from doing so. It may do with the fact that my lips weren't moving like they used to, and the bright atmosphere I had been relishing just seconds ago was drained and replaced by a cold ambiance that I could feel the flowers near me wilting. Or maybe it was all my imagination, I couldn't tell. But it certainly got me thinking. About everything.

People had often mistaken me for an innocent boy lucky enough to be deprived of life's cruelties and harshness, with not a single care in the world except to eat and to fight. I was a single leaf that fluttered towards the river, simply going with the flow and drifting from one body of water to another. But they'd be surprised to find out how wrong they really are. My eyes, contrary to popular belief, weren't as innocent as they seemed. Sure, often times they shone an astonishing gold whenever reflected by sunlight and gave the impression of utmost purity of the soul, but no matter how lovely and rare they might be (sometimes I'd look at myself in the bathroom mirror to convince myself that they were really like that), they are something I couldn't help comparing with a chameleon's skin. As you know, and as I had learned from Hakkai, a chameleon's skin changes from time to time due to its surroundings. Now I would like to tell you that my eyes are the complete opposite. Though five hundred years had passed of me being imprisoned in a cave for a crime I didn't remember committing, isolated from the real world with no one but me and my shadow to keep me company, everything was still the same. Yes, I had seen the world around me change. I welcomed spring for its beauty and detested winter for its harshness and lack of warmth. I watched the sun stretch itself out over the horizon and the moon and darkness devour what little sunlight was left afterwards. I was a symbol of age, an antique as you may call it. I represent the century before, and the centuries before that. So naturally, you'd think my eyes might have somehow changed and sparkled with at least a small ounce of wisdom in them, but as I heard Sanzo tell Hakkai some months ago, "Assumptions are only for the foolish." Of course I hadn't really paid attention to his words back then, and even if I did, I'm sure I wouldn't understand, which again brings back the topic of me being a foolish child.

Well, you might think that for all my constant cravings for food, I get mad at people for calling me stupid. I'm sure you came across those scenes wherein Gojyo and I argue about the size of my brain or some such thing, and you may find them funny. Well, sometimes I do too, when I was on the point of making Gojyo struggle with words, which I would like to point out is a very infrequent moment so much that I thought of celebrating, but anyway, here's the big truth. I don't actually mind them calling me stupid. Hakkai once again taught me that being stupid isn't necessarily a bad thing. While I may fail to see the logic behind scientific explanations and complicated terms, I excel in the matters of the heart and seeing through people's feelings like no other man could, which is no ordinary feat. I remembered that after he said that and after I realized that he was complimenting me (it took me half a minute to do so), I turned a brilliant shade of red, so red that Sanzo noticed and asked if I had a fever.

Speaking about him, I was again reminded of that one most important event in my life that I always reminisce – the time when Sanzo freed me. Somehow during boring hours spent in the jeep wherein either Sanzo or Gojyo were asleep and Hakkai needed the silence, I'd sometimes thought of Sanzo, in all his shining glory, holding my earth-sodden hand. And then the image of the sun emerging, the blinding light spreading around me like wildfire, the feeling of warmth a hundred times higher than the sun's core, and the loud clinking noise of my heavy shackles falling to the ground; it was a very captivating moment indeed. If Sanzo ever found out I'd been dreaming of that time right now, he'd either snort in that distinctive, off-hand manner of his, or if he's in a particular bad mood after a fight with Gojyo, or on the receiving end of a lecture from Hakkai, or just plain annoyed with me, he'd hit me with that paper fan of his that he'd had ever since I can remember. I'd often wondered if its real purpose is to torture me and Gojyo when we get on his nerves, because I'd never seen Sanzo use it to cool himself during hot, summer days. I know this may be the weirdest thing to say, but I'm somewhat grateful for those moments wherein the fan and my face would meet or when Sanzo threatens to shoot me. It's not like I enjoy being the target practice of one angry man, please don't get me wrong, it's just that these simple gestures remind me that Sanzo is still the same person I had met at the mountains some years ago. I'm probably confusing you with my words, and you might think that I'm just spouting gibberish, but try to picture a lovely rose without thorns. It may still retain all the other characteristics of a rose, but to a careful observer, without the thorns, it simply doesn't look the same way again. The same thing goes for Sanzo. He not hitting me on a regular basis is, well, simply not Sanzo. And I shuddered with that last train of thought, for life without the normal Sanzo is like having an eclipse that would last forever.

I remembered a time when we came upon a painter during one of our stops at a town to gather food supplies and have a day's rest. Surprisingly, I could still remember that painter's name, Mikawi. He may be blind and older than Hakkai, Sanzo, Gojyo and I combined, but by far his works were the most marvelous thing I had seen, aside from food. But it is not only because of his wonderful paintings that I admired him, but because he was the only living creature on this planet that Sanzo actually respected. (The late Koumyou Sanzo doesn't count.) And from the moment I'd heard him utter those actual praises about his works; I had immediately been sized by a renowned determination to have Sanzo, my sun, compliment me just the way he did with the blind man. I knew I must be crazy that moment when I knocked on Mikawi's doorstep and asked for his help to teach me how to paint. The others knew at once that something was the matter with me when I pleaded them to say another few days at that town. Of course I refused to tell them exactly why, for I knew I would never hear the end of it from Gojyo, and Sanzo would only dismiss this as another one of my foolish acts. But I did manage to persuade them, although I could only wonder why, and in a matter of days I did come up with a painting that had taken all of Mikawi's patience for me to finish, not to mention a lot of inquiries from Gojyo and Hakkai, who were very curious and more than surprised at the way I ignored my meals. There was one time when Gojyo snatched my meat bun, and when I didn't argue like I usually do, for I was too absorbed in one of the lectures Mikawi gave me about choosing the right color for my painting; he dropped the meat bun in shock, his jaw dropping to the floor. I recalled Sanzo telling him to stop acting like a fish, and Gojyo looking furious, and in the end they were the ones left bickering, not me and Gojyo. Anyway, even Sanzo turned to me with scanning violet eyes twice or thrice during those days. Gojyo even jokingly said that I might be seeing a girl they didn't know about, and Sanzo had on one of those looks wherein if you look closely, you'll see the corners of his lips in such a straight line that only means he was stifling his amusement and trying his best not to smile at Gojyo's remark. Well, I had always hoped that all those hard work and endless nights struggling to keep myself awake had certainly paid off. But I'm sorry to say that that was not the case. The only thing I could come up with was in fact not an abstract painting as Gojyo thought it was, but a picture of a boy standing in the middle of a field of grass, reaching his hands out to the sun. I'm sure you can very well guess why I chose this particular scene, so I won't explain any longer. But the picture had not come off exactly as I'd envisioned it to be. The boy's hands were bigger than his two legs combined, which gave the impression of five large sausages stuck together. To make matters worse, there was a large patch of grass painted blue, instead of green. That one night when I was on the brink of sleeping while still finishing the painting, I had mistaken the blue tube of paint to be green. I'm sure my eyes weren't working very well at that time, with the darkness and only the light coming from a lamp to guide me. When I pointed this particular mistake to Sanzo, surprisingly, he smiled. I wouldn't say it was the first time I saw him smile, but it was even rarer than my golden eyes for him to smile at me.

Then after accepting my poor excuse for a painting, this was what he said to me:

"I know you did your best, baka saru, even though I could hardly see the real art in your work. But I would spare you the embarrassment of people seeing it, so rest assured, I would keep this painting with me."

If any other person had been spoken to like this, I'm sure he/she would've been terribly hurt and looked at Sanzo with as much disdain and ferocity as a tiger looks at its enemy. But me, I treasured those words more than anything in the world, for I prided myself in knowing Sanzo more than any other person, so I knew at once that what seemed to be harsh words he said earlier was the closest thing I could get for a "Thank you. I appreciate it."

He must have understood the meaning behind the smile that suddenly appeared on my face, for his said in an unusually cold voice far even from his standards, "I am doing this so I wouldn't suffer through your incessant whining, so don't think stupid thoughts, saru."

My smile only grew wider.

_"Goku, are you quite alright?"_

_"Of course, Hakkai. Why'd you ask?"_

_"Ahahaha. It's just that your eyes had become glassy all of a sudden…Perhaps some sand entered your eyes?"_

_"No, don't worry. I'm fine."_

Well, that's Hakkai for you. Always worrying about other people's health more than his own. Sometimes it disturbs me, that kind of selflessness of his. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, not to think of yourself over others, that is so unlike Sanzo, but there are times when Hakkai spends that value far too much. For example, once we were badly injured during another youkai attack, not the small fry we were used to handling, and we were staying at an inn. Then there was Hakkai, acting as our doctor since the real one was currently unavailable and even Sanzo's Three Aspects credit card could not make him come here. Anyway, he was the one tending to our wounds, making us tea, giving us medicine (although Sanzo rebuffed as best as he can). He acted as if he wasn't injured himself! But I didn't discover it sooner for I was bed ridden, as was Gojyo and Sanzo, sleeping on and off for a few consecutive days. But on the third day when my senses were back to normal, I saw an unusual sight. Hakkai was looking very pale, and he seemed to be having a hard time standing up. Later on we learned his injuries were worse than ours, though how he had survived without sufficient rest for three days was a complete miracle, and Sanzo suspected it had something to do with his chi. Anyway, he glared at Hakkai that spoke of all the lectures that were needed to be said, and made him rest. Gojyo thought that was awfully generous of Sanzo, and continued to pester him about it for days, saying "the almighty Sanzo-sama is going soft." Anyway, I've seen Hakkai in worse conditions, when he had just recovered from another nightmare concerning Kanan. Sometimes when I was roomed with him, I'd hear him scream, in the middle of the night, drenched with sweat, saying Kanan's name over and over again. Then I could do nothing but say comforting words to him and let him know he has me for company, and I'm sure that if it were me in his place, he would've done the same thing, if not more. To tell you the truth, I only have a vague understanding about Hakkai's past and about Kanan, for Hakkai sure never wanted to talk about the matter whenever I tried to ask, even when he was in the very best of moods. He'd just give me one of those fake smiles of his that I really, really hate and tell me it's such a fine day so we should talk about happy things instead. I'm also kind of confused about Kanan. I mean, I was perfectly sure she was his lover, but then someone let it slip that she was his sister. Now that only made my mind swirl and a big question mark to appear on my head. I had also tried asking Gojyo, since he's probably the closest to Hakkai and he knew more about the old Cho Gonou more than we know, and I'm sure Hakkai at least once confided in him. You could see that by the way they interact with each other. There's this great camaraderie going on. If something's troubling Hakkai, Gojyo was always the first to notice, and vice versa. I'm not saying we're not close, but that's simply how things are, just like they are with me and Sanzo, so I could hardly complain.

Sometimes I have this silly notion that Hakkai is a mind reader, although of course that's far from the truth. It's shocking and at times plain creepy, the way he smiles at us in a manner I thought was a sign that he did read our minds. I mean, he always know how to make Sanzo calm down during one of his PMS days, as Gojyo had once said. I don't know the real meaning of PMS, other than that I shouldn't mention it to Sanzo, since Gojyo received a nasty bump on the head for doing so. It's not just the simplest things that Hakkai notices, on several times after another incident wherein my limiter was removed, accidentally or not, Hakkai would feed with me with some of my favorite foods – fried noodles, meat buns, or if there is nothing else available, just a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then we'd talk about other interesting stuff, and soon, I'd even forget why I was looking lonely in the first place. So if you ever know a guy like him, you wouldn't think me crazy for thinking he read minds. But all this goodness, I think, is his biggest pretend. I know this because though, as I said before, I didn't know Cho Gonou pretty well, at least I had a glimpse of him and what he once was. I was present when he tried to kill himself and he openly grieved for Kanan. Because of this, I couldn't help comparing Gonou and Hakkai. What if Cho Gonou never died and there was no Hakkai to begin with? Would life be easier for him then? At least, I thought, he wouldn't have to pretend he's always fine and I wouldn't have to see that mask of peacefulness and happiness in his face. But still, there's a small part of me that says Hakkai's façade would be nothing compared to the forlorn face that I'm sure would always be present on Cho Gonou's ever since that incident with the Centipide clan. But there's no difference, I thought, for Cho Gonou never died. Oh yes, he didn't. He still lives within Hakkai and he continues to commit murder just as he did to those innocent and not-so-innocent thousand demons several years ago. If so, who is he killing now, you may ask? The answer is simple. Himself. Or rather, his new self. With every fake smile or laughs he shows us, it forms a hole in his body that grows larger and larger everyday, and I had grown to fear that this large hole may one day consume him altogether, leaving Gonou to take over. It's like when you paint a wall a different color. However strong your brand of paint is, in time, the color would fade and you would again see a glimpse of the original paint.

_"Oy, you baka saru! Are you dreaming about food again?"_

_"Nani? You want to steal my thoughts away?"_

_"Why would I steal thoughts from a stupid, brainless, food sucking saru like you?"_

_"What if you just leave me alone? I'm trying to think!"_

_"Trying? That's the keyword, Goku. Trying. Besides, you trying to think? scoffs That's the sign we're all waiting for! The world is going to end!"_

_"EH? Gojyo, the world's not going to end. It's your sanity that's ending, that's what."_

_"Tsk. You don't even know how to distinguish a sarcastic response from a normal response."_

_"Uhh…I didn't know there IS a difference…"_

This is the typical scenario during our journey. We would, as I would quote Sanzo, "squabble like ducks" and will only stop when Sanzo shouts death threats at us. Then Hakkai would laugh. And it would be another pleasant day at the jeep. I'd grown so accustomed to Gojyo's teasing that when he goes all silent, I say a remark or two that would cause him to argue with me again, just to make sure everything's normal. Besides, it would prove to be good entertainment for Hakkai, and who knows, I might stop Gojyo from thinking perverted thoughts, for before I was certain that that's the only think he thinks of when he's at this sort of state. But little did I know that his thoughts were far from women and gambling. He was thinking about his past. I noticed his eyes will turn redder, though it never occurred to me that such a thing was possible, and I noticed he unconsciously touched the scars on his face numerous times, as if making sure they were really there. I won't say I envy Gojyo because he had a mother and a brother, for what use would they be if one continually abused him and the other left him alone? When at first I thought Gojyo's real weakness lies in women, again, I was sorely mistaken. He was most afraid of that memory of his mother. It was a very sad, depressing case, of one child doing everything to please someone he loves, only to find out it had the opposite effect. I tried to imagine Gojyo in his younger state, even though I didn't know what he looked like back then, picking flowers with the same enthusiasm I normally had, reassured with the knowledge that they would brighten his mother's day, and the more I thought of that, the more I realized how in a sense, Gojyo and I are very much alike. Sometimes, I think the real reason Gojyo likes to play around with women is because he wants to please them and hopes they'd pay him love and attention, something which his very own stepmother couldn't give him, although of course I had no idea whether my hunch was correct or not since I was hesitant to ask about it for fear of being pulverized. Yes, Gojyo has his moments too, just like Sanzo. For him, life is a gamble and we, the people, are the cards. The luckier ones win while the not-so-lucky ones lose. I suppose he thought he was one of those lucky ones, for he had more than one occasion told us that his life line's longer and he wouldn't die that easily. Well, I guess he proved that during that time when Chin Isou's puppet planted a seed n his chest and he nearly died if it weren't for Sanzo's perfect skills in shooting, and, well, his strong heart. Gojyo might want to think that, he, like Sanzo, is incapable of love, since he was deprived from it in his childhood, thus his nature of going from one woman to another. But I wouldn't say so. After all, I've seen him love and care like any normal person lots of times. He may not notice it, but its there. In the certain way he playfully punches me, helps Hakkai with his groceries; he even offered Sanzo his lighter during certain occasions. So even if Gojyo teaches me foul words behind Sanzo's back, insisting I was old enough to know about it, cheating whenever we play cards (at least I think so); I had come to respect him and his ways.

_"I wonder what you're thinking, saru. You're certainly silent today…"_

_"Well, it's nothing perverted like your thoughts, cockroach!"_

_"And how would you know, eh?"_

_"Would you two shut the hell up?"_

_Both: "It's HIS fault!"_

_"One more word…"_

_"Or what?"_

_"Gojyo!"_

_"That's it!" Sounds of a gun piercing the sky._

_Chuckle. "Yare yare desu ne."_

Soooooooo…that's us. Going back to that earlier question about where my home is, I already have an answer. As much as I would like to say it's in Chang'An, since that's Sanzo's home and where Sanzo is, I'll be there; I had grown so uncomfortable in that place, with all the monks throwing nasty comments and glares here and there, and with all the boring rules and the lack of tasty food. Of course I never told this to Sanzo, even though I know deep down he must've felt the same way too. Anyway, I had found out that home is not simply the place you stay, but where all your loved ones are. I'm happy to tell you that I found it in the company of Sanzo, Gojyo and Hakkai, from the very moment we started this journey. Happiness comes in the form of each other, I later on realized. They are every ideal family a child like me could ask for, despite the craziness that comes with it. There's Sanzo, my father, the un-appointed head of the family. He's the one who provides our financial needs via his credit cards and he constantly instills discipline by, er, hitting me and Gojyo with the fan and shouting language that many would have disapproved of. Then of course, if there's a father, there's a mother, which in our case, is Hakkai. He's the one who cooks, buys groceries and cares for us. He gives good advice and when I'm having nightmares about my other half, Seiten Taisen, he'll always be there for me. So all in all, Sanzo and Hakkai make the best parents, although I am not in any way implying that they share something more than platonic love for each other. And lastly, I have Gojyo as the typical big brother who hides his affection by squabbling with me and stealing my food. But of course, depending on the urgency of the situation, he gives words of comfort at least once in a lifetime. Together, we are a series of rings joined together to form a chain that steers us into only one direction, West, our destiny. At first glance we may seem like a bunch of misfits thrown into one mission, and yes, I admit, our differences are as many as all the youkai we had killed, but we do have one similarity, a similarity that makes up for all those differences – we all lack freedom. Not physically, of course, but mentally. We have inescapable pasts that we cannot put aside, try as we might. We live to escape reality, thus building our own world around us, making it even more difficult for us to get over our hard pasts. But let's forget about that for a minute. If you strip us off all the enemies, fighting, hopping from one town to another and the landscape of the setting sun, we're nothing special, just simply one big happy family. And in the end, that's the only thing that matters.


End file.
